When a Prayer Leader Struggles

Editor’s Note: We do not normally run anonymous articles in Prayer Connect. But we know this prayer leader well, can attest to his effectiveness in ministry, and believe his story will be helpful to our readers.

 Prayer leaders are not supposed to have emotional breakdowns.

My eyesight had deteriorated to the point I could not see the largest “E” on the ophthalmologist’s eye chart. In November 2015, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease called CRION. The treatment regimen included large doses of prednisone and a chemo drug to tamp down my autoimmune battles.

In late 2019, after an arduous and lengthy weaning process, I was finally free of all medications. My body and eyesight were fine, but my emotions were not the same. I was unable to control my emotions and became overwhelmed by the slightest of things. In short, I had an emotional breakdown. 

 

Tools to Heal

I began to look for a promise from God for my situation. I found one in Romans 16:20: “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.” This is part of the apostle Paul’s closing thoughts to the Roman church, but I sensed God was issuing it for me and my healing.

Bible reading and journaling have been a part of my life for years, so I decided to go back over my journal for the last six months in search of verses that were helpful. I came up with nine pages of Scriptures and divided them into categories like faith, action, serving, etc. I started taking a walk each day and praying those Scriptures for encouragement.

I repeated verses such as 1 Peter 5:10: “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” Other verses I leaned on included Acts 2:25–26, Isaiah 61:7, Romans 15:13, and 2 Corinthians 4:16–18.  

I did not just casually read them; I prayed and immersed my mind in them. They helped increase my faith and counteract the ruminating thoughts of anxiety and doubt that plagued me.

I discovered praise and thanksgiving were powerful tools that also interrupted the tormenting thoughts. I developed a gratitude list of as many “God moments” in my life as I could recall. Eighty of them surfaced and were like lotion for my aching soul.

I also recited out loud several life-changing declarations like, “God can be trusted.” I rehearsed that declaration on my rowing machine with each stoke. Each rep and spoken affirmation filled me with more strength that carried me through the dark thoughts that resurfaced.   

I repeatedly listened to sermons on faith and trust (many up to 25 times each). They moved my mind away from terrible fear, doubt, and anxiety—and on to the truth of God’s Word and His sovereignty.

 

The “Microscope Effect”

Do you remember dissecting a frog in high school? In difficult times, it feels like God puts us on a dissecting table and lovingly shows us the things in our lives that need correction.

God revealed my unforgiveness, negativity, lack of trust, doubt of His goodness, and other impurities I had covered up before the breakdown. I began to pray over each one and ask God to break those strongholds in my life.

I hoped they would be demolished instantly as I stood on 2 Corinthians 10:4–6. Instant destruction does happen for some, but for me it was the removal of a thin layer of stronghold each day. The value of the “microscope effect” is in slowing down long enough to note the negative characteristics that surface as you ask God to work on them with you.

Along the way, I shared my struggle with a few trusted friends who have prayed for me and my ministry for years. They were a godsend. A counselor and antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication were also beneficial. The medication helped stop the ruminating long enough for me to catch a breath to fight on. I took it long enough to re-enter the conflict with renewed strength.

Accepting God’s sovereign plan for my life and health was extremely painful. My trial felt unfair and cruel, to be honest. It took months, but eventually I surrendered to Him and trusted Him with my situation, future, and all the pain. 

 

Renewed Joy

Now, two years later, my joy for life has returned. My drive and confidence are also restored. I have learned to trust/depend on God in greater ways than I ever could have apart from this experience. 

I do not have it all figured out, but I am so thankful for God’s personal training in this crisis. These tools saved my life. If they do not resonate with you, God is more than able to provide you with your own set of tools.

As a leader, do not try to carry your pain in secret. Use every means to get well and back in the fight. God will see you through!