Praying Your Life into Order Relationally

Conflict and Tension Can Hinder a Healthy Prayer Life

By Dr. Tim Clinton

Life is full of brokenness.

In many ways, I believe the pace, pain, and pressures of modern-day life have taken over. The result is a lot of anger, frustration, resentment, and even bitterness between people. And yes, it’s hard to pray for or with someone you don’t like, just fought with, or are mad at.

That kind of tension can hinder our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit’s leading. And prayers offered in the presence of conflict or broken relationships can even “shut heaven’s door” to God’s answers. The health of our relationships can positively or negatively affect our prayer lives.

Although none of us will ever have our lives completely in order, probably, we can still pray with faith and confidence. But Scripture speaks of times when our prayer lives are hindered by our choices or actions. Peter says a healthy marriage relationship is one path to effective prayer: “Husbands . . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).

That’s pretty straight stuff. How you do—or don’t do—relationships can affect your prayer life for good and bad. And, in the same way, I believe the health of our prayer lives can affect our relationships.

Get It Right

Life is all about relationships—horizontally (our relationships with others) and vertically (our relationship with God). Get both right, and God will bless you.

So how do we pray through our relationships—the good, the bad, the ugly, and the questionable ones? Here are six ways to pray relationships into order:

1. Ask God to give you a heart and mind of clarity, conviction, and forgiveness.

Try praying this: Lord, help me understand and show me the areas in which I am falling short of reflecting You. Forgive me. Help me change and forgive.

No matter the offense, don’t swallow the pain or harbor the hurt. Conviction is never easy! Yet when we sincerely pray for conviction, God will bring to our minds the areas of life we need to change. And when we are following Him, the Lord will give us the strength and courage to make those changes.

Despite the difficulty of this prayer, it is one we all must pray if we want to improve our prayer lives and our relationships. He wants us to let Him be our strength. The more dependent we become on God, the healthier our relationships will become.

1. Talk with spiritual mentors or trusted friends and pray through painful relationships.

Make this vulnerable request: Will you pray with me?

Throughout the Bible there are stories of people coming alongside others and praying with them, encouraging them, and equipping them. Every Timothy needs a Paul. Every Elisha needs an Elijah. Who are your spiritual mentors? Seek out godly mentorship. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus reminds us, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

What a powerful truth! When we let trusted spiritual mentors into our lives and they pray with us, we can get a fresh perspective.

1. Pray for the Lord to build grace and new life into your relationships.

Spend time in God’s Word and in worship. Live according to this scriptural exhortation: “Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day” (1 Chron. 16:23).

Have you ever felt so empty that loving others is impossible? The more time you spend in prayer and abiding with God, the more His love will fill you. Love for others overflows from a heart abounding with God’s love (Rom. 5:5).
Sometimes, in the midst of our damaged relationships and forgotten prayer lives, we feel we have fallen too far for God to ever pick us up. The good news is that, in His grace, God is always working to win our hearts. He loves to use our brokenness and powerlessness to send us fleeing back to Him. When we reconcile with Him, He reconciles us with one another and breathes new life into our relationships.

1. Pray for God’s will to be done in the situation.

Invite God’s will into your life: “Your kingdom come, your will be done (Matt. 6:10).

Reflect on the prayer Jesus gave us in Matthew 6:9–13. The first half of the prayer focuses on praise, adoration, and humble submission to God’s will. Only then does it transition into requests and supplications. God’s will is powerful, and only when we align our lives with His will can we find peace in our prayer times, in our relationships, and in our lives.

God’s will may not always be clear. It may not always make sense. But it is always perfect, even if we can’t see it. James 4:15 reminds us to bring ourselves into alignment with the Father’s will: “You ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’”

1. Pray for the person who has hurt and/or offended you.

Release him or her and the offense that you feel. Take a step forward by offering this prayer: God, help me release the hurt. Give me Your wisdom regarding how to do that.
There’s nothing more beautiful than being in a relationship with somebody who’s supposed to love you—and they do! And there’s nothing more painful than being in a relationship with somebody who’s supposed to love you, and they don’t.

As much as we wish this were not the case, sometimes relationships cannot be repaired immediately because the other person refuses to reconcile or is not a “safe” person to be around. When this occurs, what better recourse than to turn to Jesus? He knows better than anyone the sting of betrayal and rejection.

Pray. Plead with God. Turn your eyes to the One who holds you in His hands.

1. Pray with the person if possible and appropriate.

Humbly ask the person: Can we pray about this?

Sometimes the relationship is too raw and broken to pray together. But as God works and the doors open, few things in life are more powerful than praying with and for one another. Do not let fear keep you from taking the initiative. Offer to pray with that person. Come alongside him or her. Do for that person what you would want done for you.

Don’t let your prayer life suffer because of your relationships. And don’t let your relationships suffer because you may be neglecting your prayer life.

Press into God. Seek Him fervently, so you can radiate His love to others.

If Possible . . .

Paul uses strong words in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” There will be some people we can’t make peace with, but as much as we can, God wants us to work through the challenges and difficulties of those relationships and live in peace. He wants us to own our influence as much as we can.

Yes, we live in a broken world. But, thank God, the pain, anger, and bitterness don’t have to triumph. Our spirit of humility and forgiveness can pave the way for God’s goodness and grace to build healthy, loving, and lasting relationships.

The healthier our relationships, the more sensitive we will be to the Holy Spirit’s leading, and the healthier our prayer lives will be. Everyone wins!

DR. TIM CLINTON is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors and serves as executive director of the James Dobson Family Institute. He is the author of nearly 30 books, including The Struggle Is Real: How to Care for Mental and Relational Health Needs in the Church. Follow him on Twitter @DrTimClinton.